i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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