So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
