**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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