My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
