I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
