I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Randomize
