i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
