I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
