I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
