k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
