I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
