he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
then he tried to convert me to islam
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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