I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
