I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
