You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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