Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
