things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
