I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
