dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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