I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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