I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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