Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
