Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
