Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
