ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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