Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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