New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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