I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
