just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
