watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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