someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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