Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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