is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
