She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
