Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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