You just made me feel so damn special
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
