Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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