Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
