Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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