he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
