Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
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Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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