you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
