there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
