the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
