i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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