So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
