Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
