you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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