you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
