So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
