I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
