Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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