Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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