if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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