dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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