The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
