So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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