I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
barbara walters just said penis...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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